Who’s To Say?

Interior. Apartment Living Room. 2 is working at a desk. 1 is flipping through channels and reclining on the couch.

1 – It’s fucked up that we have to know who Joe Piscopo is.

2 – (Sighs) I’m not getting any work done today, am I?

1 – Not if I can help it.

2 – Of course not. Sorry, what’s this about Joe Piscopo?

1 – It’s fucked up that we have to know who he is.

2 – Do we, though? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of him.

1 – He was a comedian in the late 80s and early 90s.

2 – And?

1 – And that’s it. He did an episode of TNG, I think.

2 – Anything else?

1 – I mean, a few things here and there after SNL, I haven’t checked his IMDb page in a few days, if I’m being totally honest.

2 – I meant did you have anything else you wanted to talk about that isn’t a washed up comedian only you remember?

1 – (Not listening) I think he might have a radio show?

2 – Okay. Good talk. I have to finish this report.

1 – For what?

2 – For my job. That I use to make money. So I can buy things, and eat. Food.

1 – You say that like I don’t know what a job is.

2 – Do you? Know what a job is, I mean?

1 – Yes, I know what a job is. A job is-

2 – Oh my god, it was a rhetorical question. Because you don’t have a job. I’ve never seen you work. You’re like one of those sitcom characters who somehow doesn’t work, and yet miraculously seems to find the rent money for a luxury apartment on time every month. You have to know how annoying that is, right?

1 – I get by on my looks.

2 – …

1 – And a generous inheritance from my long lost great uncle Bartholomew.

2 – It amazes me that that hasn’t run out yet, and also is a real thing.

1 – The clause about having to spend a night in a haunted mansion was a little on the nose, sure, but that’s just how Uncle Bart rolled. My dude loved the classics. Classic Bart.

2 – You didn’t even know he existed until you got that letter from his attorney.

1 – The first letter I ever got from an attorney with good news.

2 – Took the words out of my mouth.

1 – You’re just mad that your favourite great uncle never left you anything.

2 – (Sighs) Uncle Jack really left me high and dry. Gave all his money to the preservation of wild opossums, I shit you not.

1 – Someone’s gotta look out for those little rat-faced assholes, I guess. Uncle Jack’s heart was in the right place.

2 – It actually wasn’t… He had an extremely rare genetic disorder where… Why am I telling you this?

1 – Your guess is as good as mine. I have no reason to keep your secrets.

2 – I am well aware.

1 – Right, because of

Both turn to face downstage, and speak in perfect unison, and then turn back as though nothing happened.

1+2 – The incident.

2 – Yeah, the incident. You know, we never talk about the incident. We always just say ‘the incident.’ I feel like that would be infuriating for anyone who didn’t know what we were talking about.

1 – See, now, I think it’d add a sense of mystery, and expand our shared world slightly without an audience getting too sidetracked.

2 – What?

1 – What?

2 – Look, is this conversation going anywhere? Cause if not, I should really get back to work.

1 – Right, you’ve got a big time report to write because you’re a hotshot business guy.

2 – Sure.

1 – Well, look, I’ve got important stuff to do, also. Like, uh… There was this thing that I… Er. Was doing.

2 – You were watching TV.

1 – I was watching TV! There was this really great reality show on the Slice network!

2 – Is… is that a real network?

1 – Oh man, it’s the best network! Let me tell you about Slice. It’s got such great programming! Shows like-

2 – Yeah, awesome, that sounds- GET A JOB.

1 – MAKE ME!

2 – I LEGALLY CAN’T.

End.