To whom it may concern,
I am writing this letter in application for the position of Intermediate Freelance Technical Consultant (Internship), a posting I first learned about via the “Wow Look At All These Jobs You Somehow Don’t Qualify For!” web portal. I am a university and college graduate who is having trouble finding a job that pays more than slightly above minimum wage because that’s somehow the world we live in. Anyway, please allow me to come work for you for free, because at some point we decided that on top of spending tens of thousands of dollars on education, we also need young people to work for free – sorry, “for experience” – before they can actually be hired anywhere, or more likely, replaced by the next wave of free – sorry – experience-based labour.
As a university and college graduate with a BA in English and Classics, as well as a diploma in Acting for Film and Television, please allow me to explain the skills I can bring to your business. I have six plus years of university-level critical analysis, two years of performance training, and three years of learning how to give a damn about anything, combined with an additional three years of forgetting that first three years. My performance background in particular, has endowed me with the uncanny ability to act like I give a damn about anything that happens in the office, even though, let’s be honest, none of it is remarkable or even mildly interesting. “Tony got a new mug? Haha, who doesn’t hate Mondays, right Carol? Take it easy, Bill! TGIF, huh, Stacey?” As you can see, my fake cheer and feigned interest in the lives of my fellow corporate drones will doubtless be beneficial to office morale. Say is that a new tie you’re wearing? Well, let me say, it looks fantastic. (If you’re not wearing a tie, please disregard that last line.)
Additionally, as a cynical, over-educated, barely employed millennial, my career over the last decade has largely involved bouncing from service industry position to service industry position. Luckily, this experience has provided me with “excellent” customer service skills in addition to an enormous chip on my shoulder, which I can use while fetching coffee for the management instead of learning whatever it is a job like this actually entails. And while I may lack the suggested “15 years management experience” outlined in the posting for the internship, I believe the can-do attitude and hard work ethic I’ll most likely lose after my first two weeks will more than make up for my relative inexperience with whatever it is you do here. I also have a stash of really nice pens that I stole from my last job. Here, why don’t you take one? Well, I’ll just put it on the desk and close my eyes, and whatever happens happens.
Thank you for taking the time to glance at my application before unceremoniously deleting it in favour of an application from your tennis partner’s frat boy nephew. I don’t remember what the position I was applying for is called, but then it’s all so interchangeable, I don’t think it really matters, anyway. Since I doubt anyone’s actually reading this, I’ll just use this space to jot down a few notes, so I don’t forget. Remember to buy eggs, Grandma’s birthday is this weekend, up up down down left right left right B A Start = 30 lives, look up recipe for fried rice. Please see the attached resume for a list of grossly exaggerated career accomplishments, and let me know if you’d like me to provide references. I’ll certainly take it under consideration. I have not included any contact information, as I won’t be seriously considered for the position. Thanks again for nothing.
Sincerely,
Matt Bickerton
