An Open Letter to Video Game Reviewers, From Me, A Guy Who Obviously Knows Better
Dear Video Game Reviewers,
Recently, while perusing the Metacritic page for Gears 5, Microsoft’s latest entry in their magnum opus franchise, Gears of War, I couldn’t help but notice some inconsistencies. You see, Gears of War is a 10/10 franchise, 9/10 on a bad day, but it seems that, despite the overwhelmingly positive reception, some of you decided to score the game CONSIDERABLY lower than your peers. I consider myself fair — even balanced — and I think you should definitely be using the entire review scale, but not when it comes to a game in a franchise the success of which I’m personally invested in!
There are a few reasons I think these reviews should be taken down, and rewritten by someone else. First of all, I don’t think the reviewers were familiar with the franchise, otherwise, they would know that Gears of War games have always been 10/10 games. I know this because of things like the graphics, the shooting, the story, and most importantly, the graphics! It’s, frankly, unconscionable that a game that looks as nice as Gears 5 could receive anything less than a 9 for its graphics alone! Never mind the deep, deep story and characters. Marcus Fenix may be a man with a body the size of a walk-in refrigerator, but he also has the emotional depth of a walk-in refrigerator! Over the course of the games, he has lost his friends, his father, his wife, and even so, he still finds the strength to pick up a chainsaw machine gun and brutally murder his enemies! He also thinks and says things like “War is bad” and “I dislike the government but I dislike the bad guys even more” and “More like TEN shitloads!” I’m sorry if you’re not capable of grasping the complexities, but they are there if you know where to look.
This whole review reads like the reviewer’s subjective opinion, when, as anyone who knows what they’re talking about will tell you, video game reviews should be completely objective! All art (video games ARE art, mom and Roger Ebert!) exists in a vacuum and therefore all criticism should exist in a vacuum as well!! It’s not rocket science over here!
Clearly, you just want the attention a negative review will bring your site! That’s right, you’re just after the traffic me and a dozen other nerds can provide. How mercenary. You want us to click on the review, and leave hurtful comments about the reviewer’s credentials or appearance. That extra 35 cents in ad revenue will more than make up for the emotional trauma we inflict upon the reviewer when we dox her and post her family’s home address and phone number on 4Chan. Oh sure, she might have to go to therapy to deal with the death threats,or the racial, homophobic, and gendered slurs, never mind the attacks on her physical appearance along with subtle implications of promiscuity (slut!), but did she think about how much trauma would be inflicted on us, the Gamers, when she gave Gears 5 a 6/10? No, all she was thinking about was the attention! Typical attention whore game reviewer! What a bunch of sellouts!
Speaking of which, how much did Sony pay you to give Gears 5 a 6/10? I hope it was worth it. Sure they’re at the top of the industry right now in terms of both sales, and critical reception, but clearly that’s only because they’re using all that UNEARNED clout and money to keep Microsoft down! I hope that new Lexus was worth it, since all it cost you was your SOUL! All it took was selling good, honest, hardworking Gamers up the river, and you’re living fat off your cushy gig “reviewing” games. You guys gave Uncharted a 10/10, and that’s not even on the Xbox, which makes it an automatic 0/10, because half of Gamers can’t even play it!. How can you expect anyone to take your website seriously when you’re so obviously being paid off by $$$ony and their PAYstation brand?
But you know what? I could honestly forgive all of these transgressions if it weren’t for the one cardinal sin of these reviews: You tanked the metascore. Like I said, Gears of War is a 9–10/10 franchise, and by giving Gears 5 a 6/10 (makes me sick just typing it) you brought the average down to a frankly dismal 86% on Metacritic. What are Gamers supposed to do now? Read the actual reviews? Then why even HAVE a score in the first place?
Look, the thing is, I have a very personal investment in Gears of Wars as a franchise, as a result of deciding very early on that instead of developing a personality, I would instead develop a slavish devotion to a corporation and any and all of its media products. Therefore, this score is a personal slight to me, as a person. When you give Gears 5 a 6/10, you’re giving ME a 6/10. And that really hurts my feelings! Now if you don’t mind, I think you deserve to die, you stupid fucking asshole. See you at 147 Meadowlark Lane in Topeka, Kansas. I’ll say hi to your mom! I don’t see anything wrong with my actions!
Sincerely,
Entitled Gamers Everywhere, aged 14+
